Freedom in Nigeria? Good luck with that

Rams Mabote

An open letter to the Nigerian president.

Dear President Goodluck Jonathan,

It was a measure of excitement and African pride that I read the news this week that 10 people were arrested in your country under the new bill that bans same-sex marriages.

These criminals were believed to be gay.

Even more encouraging was reading that dozens more arrests were pending.

What courageous governance your administration is showing! It’s about time African leaders focused on the real issues dragging this glorious continent backwards.

While the west and some of its stooges on this continent are focusing on non-issues like corruption, wars, coups, famine, health and such like frivolities, it is patriots like you that make me proud to be African again.

These despicable outcasts that another hero of our people, Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe, once described as “worse than pigs”, are not good for Africa. They are an abomination and I am glad a leader like you is showing us the way.

It is a leader like you who knows what this continent needs. I am sure you have figured it out that even politicians who are pilfering people’s coffers are not half as dangerous as two men in love locked together in a room out of sight of everyone else.

It is a leader like you who knows that dictators who take power by force and rule by decree are nothing compared to two well-built women who kiss on the side of the road.

I mean, there is no describing how bad a flamboyant elderly gay man can do to a country’s stability – a country of honest politicians who use taxpayers’ money to build multi-billion dollar private houses in poverty-stricken rural areas.

I worried when I read in November last year that you fell ill while in London for a business meeting and had to be hospitalised for treatment.

I could not help but gasp “good luck” to you, just imagining the possibility of being treated by a gay doctor. I don’t have to tell you how those liberal infidels allow such abnormalities like graduating homosexuals as doctors.

Thankfully, your spokesperson said your sickness was not serious. Although, I must confess with such archaic beliefs, who’s to say your sickness is not serious?

But I digress.

Shortly after your hospitalisation in London, I also read that your wife, Patience, checked into a German hospital in December.

Have you seen those butch German women nurses? I am sure being gay is the only criterion used to enter nursing school. Funny this thing called karma, hey? Some say it’s a bitch.

But maybe God is just testing your patience, if you’ll pardon the pun.

As if that wasn’t enough, I noticed that shortly after visiting your wife in Germany you had to attend a summit in France.

France? That’s the capital of gays isn’t it? Or is that Cape Town? But I’m sure you get the point.

But, president Jonathan, level with me – why do you and your fellow politicians keep on doing this to yourselves?

Why do you spend most of your time outside your own God-fearing country visiting countries of infidels like France, Germany, the USA and South Africa?

Why is it that people like you and your ministers are ever ready to go and seek healing and sometimes refuge in countries that allow and are maybe governed by homosexuals?

Has it ever occurred to you that good politicians like you should not own property in countries like South Africa, which is one of the few countries that allow gay marriages? Not even some states in the USA allow such horrors.

If I were you – and this is just a figure of speech because, honestly, I wouldn’t take money to be you – I would decree a law that insists that politicians in your country are only allowed to take treatment at home or in other progressive countries like Uganda.

If I were you (refer to the paragraph above) I would decree a law to pre-arrange marriages for all children at birth, so as to make it difficult for them to fall into this despicable trap of exercising their freedom.

I do not know if you will win this war. You have a better chance of having a clean government than changing people’s sexuality. But we both know that it is cheaper to persecute the innocent, right?

That said, in your endeavour to make Nigeria pure again and rid it of gays, lesbians, liberals and freedom-loving people, I wish you good luck, pun intended.

Insincerely and sarcastically yours,

Straight, but gay-loving, free-spirited Rams.


[First published in]