Don’t drink and go to the loo… without paper

I have a tendency to forget some item or another of importance when I go to gym. I have been known to forget my sweat towel, or water bottle or even shoes.

Needless to say that sometimes I find myself having to cancel my plans to exercise because I have no stop gap solution. Like when I forgot my pants. I had no guts to walk into the exercise area only in my undies.

Many a time though I have found a way of averting disaster and still be able to work out even though I forgot one item or another. Which brought me to think about items of importance we should never forget in life.

Take for instance Ausi Tlaki. She was my parents neighbour back in Dobsonville. Ausi Tlaki had two distinguishing features: she liked her tipple and she had the temerity to forget toilet paper everytime she went to the loo. Oh I forget, she was a good screamer too.

In those days our toilets in township homes were outside the main house, somewhere at the back. Toilets of neighbouring houses would also be adjoined. And so was Ausi Tlaki’s loo to that of our house.

So on any given Saturday Ausi Tlaki would go out to unwind with friends and return home late afternoon. I don’t know whether this is what alcohol does to most, but with her, it seemed to work on her bowels. So everytime she came back home she’d head straight for the loo.

As soon as she had relieved herself, Ausi Tlaki would blurt out her loud voice: “Pampiiiiiiri! Pampiiiiiiri!” That’s the bastardised term for paper. Everyone within a 50m, including those passing through the streets would hear her scream.

For some strange reason though, people in Ausi Tlaki’s household seemed deaf to her desperate screams. And she in return would be oblivious to their ignorance and just continue scream for her toilet paper.

Mind you, this toilet paper was euphemism for old newspapers. Those days that’s what our bottoms would be pampered with after a good number two.

I do not know if her family were deliberately punishing her by 1: removing all the paper from the loo when they saw her approach home or 2: faking general deafness running in the family.

Methinks they were just too ashamed to admit they did not have paper.

So ours being the loo attached to Ausi Tlaki’s made us closest to her deafening screams for pampiri. And we just could not stand it. We couldn’t ignore them.

At that moment either mom or dad would just pull out one of the week’s newspapers hand over to my brother or me and say nothing more.

We didn’t ask either. We knew it was time for community service. We knew at that time that the ish had hit the fan and my folks could not stand the stink coming from Ausi Tlaki’s scream anymore.

Without saying a word, whoever was picked to deliver the paper would quietly sneak it under the door of Ausi Tlaki’s toilet and walk away. After all, it was embarrassing enough to have to acknowledge that an elder pooh-poohs.

Ausi Tlaki for her part, would make it even harder for one to stay a second longer after relieving her of her embarrassment. Instead of being grateful, she’d scream and admonish us for having taken long to deliver the paper.

You would think that she would be grateful that we saved her the orifical disgrace, but she couldn’t be bothered by this selfless duty. She just believed that charity must be served and served quickly.

I know Ausi Tlaki knew very well where the paper came from. It is a fact that between the two houses, there was only one where purchasing of newspapers was done. And it was not hers.

So as I reflected on my tendency to leave at home something or another I need for my gym, I thought about Ausi Tlaki and I thank the gods I have never had to suffer Ausi Tlaki’s fate.

I know of people who forgot that they had taken a laxative and only to remember seconds after they let out a little fart. A second too late.

What have you ever forgotten that you should and will never forget again?